Sunday, November 30, 2008

And I Almost Forgot.

I've been keeping a little scrap in my book so I can jot down things I want to remember to post about. Here are a few things I have to say:



-Badmouthing guests to other guests is just plain trashy. Especially when the guests you badmouth are within earshot. And very nice regulars. Don't be an asshole.



-Since when did hosts become their own degenerate species. It's like they clock in and leave their brains in their coat pockets with their fuzzy mittens and favorite keychain. Seriously, is it a good idea to triple seat the new kid? For real? God blessed you with a brain. Use it.



-Big GM: You do not own anyone here. And you're the GM of a common chain. Not a 5 star restaurant. You are not better than anyone here. At all. In fact all that you are is a disrespecting asshole. Who happens to be my boss. Lucky me.


-Old Faithful: You are this restaurants lifer. That is not something to be proud of. So stop bragging. We all know your reputation. And boy, it's quite an extensive one.


-Learn how to carry a tray!!! This restaurant has tray service. It's not going to up and change one day. Learn. You CAN do it. And along with that has anyone heard of Safety Language? "Coming Around Hot" "Right Behind You" "Sharp Coming Around" etc.?? Or are we all trying to kill each other?


-Full Hands In/Full Hands Out. Another dying tradition at my place. Help your team mates a little. Goddamn. Take some cups. Get the dish guy a drink. Run food. Something people.


-Speaking on dish guys, Little Guy has now developed reasoning as to why I do not want him. It is apparently because I am afraid of him. Hahhahahaaa. And now that Hot Manager is gone his cook friends that know too much are a bit too friendly. Thanks HM. For putting my business out there.


-AND LASTLY!!!! For all those out there reading, TIP YOUR SERVER!! We appreciate it. Cause most of us try hard and work hard.

Tales of The Turkey and Black Friday!

Turkey Day!


And the Unhappy Waitress does not have to work 'cause we're closed! This means she can enjoy spending time with her family and friends. And then get really really drunk because she spent too much time with her family! And, that is just what was done. After a yummy dinner and a turkey induced nap, I headed out and had an aweeeeesome night. And after dropping off a friend, I was headed home and who walks in front of my car but Hot Manager. I didn't stop though. And I wanted to. I didn't call or text either. And I wanted to. This is harder than I thought it would be....(I've decided the Hot Manager thing is not what I want. And since he's so inconsistent I'm guessing it's not what he wants either. It sure is addicting though.)


BLACK FRIDAY!! It's like doomsday for those in retail. Crazy, deranged, turkey filled, raging customers spill out into the streets at 3:00 am to wait in lines to get one of 15 computers/DVD players/cameras/Bratz Dollz/latest Hannah Montana craze... Then when the stores open they attack. Screaming, yelling, pushing, pulling and a minor explosion later - they're hungry. And they are cranky and tired and the day has really affected their attitudes and pockets. That's where I come in. What better way to feel better than to take it out on some poor, unsuspecting, innocent (Am I painting a good picture here?) waitress? We weren't busy at all. But my guests just weren't nice. (Oh, and apparently, no matter what your check is on lunch, the appropriate tip is $5.00. Cause, you know, it's just lunch...)


THE AFTERMATH- The day after. I did some shopping actually and the sales we're still there minus the madness. And last night I had the most awesome guests. Two guys. Large Coors' Light and a diet. Appetizers and a pizza. The biggest dessert we have. A $60.00 dollar check and a $20.00 dollar tip. Thanks! You really made my night. Then Big GM reallllly pissed the Unhappy Waitress off. He cut everyone except 2 plus closers. And 8 tables walked in. And they all got sat immediately. So everyone had tables out of their section. YAY! (Not YAY!) So I said if people walked in like that we would have to make them wait. But Big GM, he says as long as we have clean tables we don't go on a wait. First of all, obvi don't need to unless we get a quick rush again. What is so wrong about making people wait 5 mins to get good service?? Because, we have two doubles on who are pissed that all the other doubles have left already and the other closer is not a strong server. And second of all, you're right. I have no idea what I'm talking about. I HAVEN'T spent three years in this location and I WAS NEVER a host (The best host, I might add) in this location so therefor I have no clue how these things happen. Good luck with those comps buddy.


**To make things touchier, Big GM and I get along mostly. He knows I know he's an asshole and he knows when enough is enough. But he's always messing around. Pretending to "box" with people. Always pushing the envelope. Last night = Last straw. I spazzed. He went to far and I flipped. He slapped my arm and it hurt. So he apologized immediately. Knew he was wrong. I just walked away.**


Awesome close though. Quick, easy, painless and I made money.

Sunday, November 23, 2008

The Weekend Circus

I feel like I stepped right out of Barnum and Bailey this weekend. All I was missing was a purple leotard, feathers and glitter. That and a russian accent. So last week one of my closest work friends got the ax. For coupon scamming. Really though? There was $40 dollars missing over a period of 4 weeks. Really? I mean if I was scamming, I'd have got away with soooo much more. Just saying. Oh well.

But for those in the buisness, you know this means we'll slowly drift apart to where we never really talk. Run into each other akwardly at bars. Get sooo excited to see each other. "OMG, I miss you. We HAVE to hang out!!! Call me!" But due to the loss of the common workplace bond, we probably won't. Did we have anything in common other than that? Just wondering...

SoTHEN, Hot Manager gets transferred. WHAT!!!!! Wait. This might work out for me. 'Cause, my internet friends what you do not know and what I've been attempting to tell you isssss (drum roll please) that Hot Manager and I, we've been sleeping together for six months. Since before I came back. And he had nothing to do with the reason why I came back. But it has really sucked. I liked him much more when we didn't work together. He was nicer. And wayyy hotter.

So then, the cook who has worked there for 15+ years gets fired. I'm so upset. I love him! And hate him. It's not gonna be the same without him. Boo.

And then we get to last night. Last night makes me not wanna work Saturdays ANYMORE. I had a table walk in at 12:30. They were AWFUL. I named them in my head. They're names were Quaneesha, Big T, Marlow, and Stacey. And Quaneesha, she was a big momma. And her dress barely covered her lil' momma. Ohhh no. For the sake of all humanity, put some clothes on.

(Side Note: I always name my guests in my head. They we're actually nice, kinda. But they we're the typical trash we get late night. Please don't view these names as any kind of racial slur. Some of my fav guests are all different races and I myself am racially diverse when it comes to the people I am associated with. It really pisses me off when servers think just because a table is not white they won't get a good tip. I get some of my worse tips from middle class white folks.)

Anywho, they order a bottle of Merlot (you know pronounced MUR LOTT) with four glasses. Ohhhhk well I need four ID's then. Surprise, Surprise they only need 3 glasses. So then they order well done steaks and seperate checks and tip me $3.75 and Marlow offers me his number right in front of his anorexic white girlfriend. Classy, buddy. Classy.

The other "closer" didn't sweep his section so I had to do that. And I had the dish guy all over me all night. Apparently, he is quite the fan of Unhappy Waitress. Hot Manager told me about his pinings. "She is so cute, and those glasses I just don't know what it is...blah blah blah" Uh nah buddy, you gotta be this tall (raises hand over head) to ride this ride.

I wish I did like my job. But honestly if I wasn't working my way onto the bar. Well, behind it not on it, I would quit. Fast and now. But for now, interents, I'm holding onto my apron strings and hoping things get better.....

In the mean time I can fully entertain you with my antics, thoughts and stories!

Thanks for stopping in today folks. Come back soon and visit!!!!

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Random Restaurant Ramblings

I'm off 'til tomorrow but I still have rants and raves. Always. If you ever watch people from a restaurant chat, they could go on and on and on some more about random bullshit with the people they work with. It's neverending.





I went into work to take care of something yesterday. I wasn't working but I was still there. Obvi I live there! And while I was there I witnessed a phenomenon. Everyone who works in a restaurant knows this one. There is always that person who can do EVERYTHING better. EVERYTHING. So, anywho, I'm standing in the alley talking to one of the hosts, and the bartender comes over and says, "UHH, did you think maybe you can put your soup down and get the phone? There's a takeout on hold and he's mad cause he had to call twice to get through." So young, dumb and cute (the host) puts down her soup and goes to get the phone. The bartender (Who, just so you know thinks she knows all and ends all at our restaurant.) continues to gripe about her. "What's the point of having a host if I'm gonna do her job all night?" This sentence is extremely interchangeable in the restaurant. Its not always old faithful (the bartender) who uses it. It gets used by many. So it's more like "What's the point of having a host/manager/server/cook/dishwasher/bartender if I'm gonna do their job all night?" Maybe cause it's not your job?



Is it so hard folks to just do your sidework correctly??? I work 4-6 shifts a week. I usually close on EVERY single one of them. So when you do your sidework like shit on monday and get all bent out of proportion when I make you stay late to fix it, why would you again do it like SHIT on tuesday and be so so suprised when I look at you like an idiot. Stop being a failure at life thanks.

Cups, Spoons, Napkins, Bullets (not the kind for guns, the kind otherwise known as ramakins), straws, glasses... Just a few things we need and SHOULDN'T run out of. But always do. I don't get it. Who makes the executive decision to skimp on napkins. Who says, "Don't order too many napkins cause we might not use them and I don't want them to go bad!" I am convinced that the rest of the stuff gets thrown out by our oh-so-incompetent dish guy. He washes dishes for a living and can't even do that right. I don't get it.

Contests. It's getting to be Christmas time. And the managment team wants us to drive sales up, Up, UP... Yay!(If you could see my face, it's not a yay face.) Well the contest of the season is gift cards. I hate selling gift cards. Trying to push sales on guests who have just spent sixty dollars on food and haven't tipped me yet. I always feel like I'm a nag and my tip % is going down as I do. I'm just saying.


**Ok internets, the posts are going to start getting juicy, let me bring you some extra napkins and a refill on your soda. 'Cause if you can handle it, I'm gonna start to let you in on the things that happen around here. The things you'd never know. The things that make it interesting....

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Ok. I Wasn't Gonna BUT I Have To...

Ladies and Gentlemen. We're going to zone in on the biggest factor in a servers career. TIPPING. I know, what with my refreshing wit and raw talent, many of you may not know this but I am new to blogging. I do have another blog out there in the world of www. but its new too. Soooo, as I love to do, i've been doing some research. Looking at other blogs for tips on how to be a better blogger. (Kudos to all you bloggers out there. I'm not sure i'll ever be at your level.)



Anyways, within this "research" (also known as: something to do at lunch and other times during my professional work day when I should be working.) I have stumbled upon lotsa interesting stuff. The most interesting to me was the other server blogs. Alot of what I found were from a few years ago but they were good!! I wish the bloggers would have kept up with their work. But one common thing in every one...What's that you ask??? Proper Tipping Procedure of PTP as I like to call it. Sooo here are my thoughts. Please if you have any comments or additions feel free to add.....




  • I work for a mere $2.83 an hour. I understand that some of you may not know that. So I wanted to put it out there in the open!!

  • I am truly sorry if the moment you sit down I cannot get to you. For what you don't not realize is, I am also taking care of the six other tables around you and the lady at table 25 is allergic to tomatoes and I am making sure no tomato product touches her food. I am also waiting for drinks for table 34, while the bartender is taking her sweet old time making them. There is a re-cook on an overdone steak and the guest is not happy (where is hot manager you ask? Well he, he is nowhere to be found) and now I look over sheepishly at my section and I see you sitting and I know you are ready to order and I feel bad. Bad that you had to sit there and mad because the incompetent hostess could have told me she sat me.

  • Appropriate tip percentage for good service is 20%. 15% is acceptable. Anything less is a bad tip. Anything more is greatly appreciated!!!! If my tables leave me less than 20% I think I have not served them well.

  • If you leave a good tip, your server should come back to the table and thank you. You may have made their night. You may have just given them a ten dollar tip on $4.00 Monday and that is AWESOME!!!

  • If you tip bad, you will forget the moment you leave the restaurant. I will NEVER forget you. NEVER!!! (For those of you who cannot see me, I DO NOT have my service smile on right now!!!)

  • If you have coupons, or gift cards, or the manager buys you dessert. Or maybe you just didn't like your burger, or the kitchen messed up your steak and you don't want a new one. You are not going to pay for that. Please remember it probably wasn't my fault. Please don't punish me because of it. Be aware of what your check would have looked like compared to what it is. I show compassion. I am sorry your dining experience wasn't as smooth as you would have liked it. I still have to feed my dog. (Ok, I don't have a dog. But if I did would you want him to go hungry? Huh? Would you?) So not tipping well because the kitchen undercooked your medium steak= not fair. Not tipping becuase the server brought you salmon instead of steak=fair. Sometimes we mess up (Sorry that we're human). I for one am very apologetic. Please take this into consideration!
  • Sitters. Those group of ladies that only get together every once in awhile. And they take F-O-R-E-V-E-R! We don't mind if you tip properly. Take into consideration for every 35-45 minutes you sit, we could have had another table eat, pay, TIP, and leave.
  • Please DO NOT tell me my service was wonderful and leave me $3.72 on forty dollar check. Thats like laughing in my face.
  • It is my job to be inconvenienced by you. It will happen whether you mean to or not. You will need something when I am busy. Your child will spill something or scream the whole time or maybe draw on the tables. I know this. I am ok with it. But please know that when you leave, the magic table fairy does not come by and fix it all. I have to sweep the tiny cut up pieces of pasta off the floor/table/booth/chair/ceiling, and re-organize the sugar caddy.
  • Lastly, for today (there will most likely be many addendums to this list) $5.00 is NOT a good tip.

Not Your Usual $4.00 Monday...

That's right kids. The Unhappy Waitress here with a suprising update. I actually made money last night. Mondays have been in recent months, due to the failing infastructure of our economy (thank you W, bring on Jan 20!!!), crap! Wellllll, the guests I had last night did not get that memo! Or i'm a fantastic server(it's probably that!!!).


$23.oo, then $13.00, then $17.00, then $20.00 and so on. It was my lucky night I guess! Old School this was typical. My Monday and Tuesday closes were always hundred dollar nights. Until the introduction of $4.oo Monday. For the past few months it just seems as if, not matter how hard I try, or how nice I am, there are four crisp one dollar bills on evey check. WooHoo:( Mind you, I am grateful for every dollar I make. It's one I didn't have when I walked in. And The Unhappy Waitress, she's poor.

**Now, when I say poor, I mean I live in a costly apt by myself and have lots and lots of expenses and expensive taste. ( I am really getting better though, I only shop on sale and I save and cut corners. Blech.) **

Anywho.

I don't not like Mondays. They're just always crazy. I am always in the same section. And I don't get there 'til 5:30 so as soon as I get in, I get a table. Then my Monday night regulars come in. They're an older couple and they always bring cookies. She drinks beer and him, iced tea. He always gets the same exact thing, she switches it up. They always have a coupon and they leave around $5.62 on a credit card. I don't mind them. They're nice enough. Everyone else loves them (everyone else also eats cookies. I do not). However, last night another of my tables (not exactly regulars, but they come in often) paid for their meal and they left me a fabulous tip. Plus they left me an even better tip on their own check. Go U.W.!!

Then next thing you know, I hear someone call my name and I turn around and see a guy from my day job and his family. I seat them in my section, take care of them and they take care of me!! Overall internets, it was a good night. I have no complaints. Well except that hot manager was there and he W-O-R-K-S my nerves. On purpose. In a sexy, you know you want me way(Just a little blurb of whats to come....)

Monday just might become my favorite shift. This week that is!!!

Monday, November 17, 2008

Fresh Meat

In my particular work place, when new front of the house employees get hired, they might as well be stamped "FRESH MEAT". Nothing sexist about it but most always, the newbies are female and young so the male portion of the staff (which is mostly the BOH staff, a few servers and a hot to trot manager) go gaga. It's a race to see who can bed her first. If she's smart she doesn't fall into the attention, forget about her well meaning boyfriend at home, get all psycho and obsessed (because most likely after said male staff is done with her there is a new batch of fresh meat) and get left with no boyfriend, a crappy job and no respect.

Usually, they're not that smart.

We've all been there. Not getting the attention we want from out significant other and the cute cook at work keeps making eye contact and flirting with you all night. Or the young, sexy manager who knows he can talk his way into the pants of any of his employees just won't stop flirtatiously picking on you. What to do??

Some advice ladies, RUN! Because most likely if you decide "what can it hurt?", it's gonna end up messy. It almost NEVER (strike that it NEVER) remains a secret. She thinks there is that one person within the restaurant that has taken her in under their wing and she can trust them. No you can't. I have trusted and I won't lie, I have been the one trusted. They feed of gossip and drama. The person you so innocently "trusted" will tell her best friend who will tell the girl that said BOH employee is supposedly (even though neither of them will admit to it but they close together, leave together, flirt non-stop, and have on occasion been caught walking out of dry-storage at the same time a bit flustered...) sleeping with. Then she (who happens to be the alpha server and if she doesn't like you noone does) hates you. Now you are "that new girl". Come on servers of america, you know which one i'm talking about. The one who you say:


"She just thinks she can just prance on in here, with her hair all cute, flirt
with hot manager and get what exactly? He only wants to sleep with her and
she thinks he likes her. Does she realize who she's messing with? Plus she's
a terrible server, the other day I watched her (insert ridiculous, random
comment HERE ex: hand a guest her water and she TOUCHED the top half of the glass, soo agianst the 50/50 rule and the lemon was just thrown in.). She should just quit."



I am sorry "New Girl". I have been there and I have been you. And still I have made you feel as alienated as I once did. But alas, I have earned my keep and earned my status and the respect of my fellow servers, hosts, cooks etc. You will sadly have to do the same. I will, however share an excerpt of my story of survival with you:

I am what you could call a lifer I suppose. For everytime I leave the
restaurant I work at I seem to eventually come back. However the first stint as
an employee was the only time I was "the New Girl". I was young, lacked self
confidence, shy and quiet (yes, me) and about forty pounds heavier then I am
now. And I was a host. I started off terrrrrible. With no training I didn't know
the table numbers, I double sat people, I gave the servers with seniority crappy
tables and that was a big NO NO. The "cool manager" hated me. So therefore, I
was not liked. At all. I tried to make friends and conversation but it was
always strained and akward. Nevermind that I had a crazy boyfriend who worked
there before I did and everyone hated him. But he quit finally. That did NOT
make it better though. It all changed one night when I was walking around
the restaurant collecting menus. I heard a guest threaten the "cool manager". I
was the only one around to hear it. This was my in. She came up front,
reasonably angry. This man had threatened her and was going to call corporate
and blame her. She already had guest complaints. And noone had heard. But I had
heard. I told "cool manager". I wrote my statement. I was in. I wasn't the new
girl any longer. Now upon my next two restaurant comebacks I was already in. I
was old-school. I was known. I was no longer shy. I was the loud, funny, quirky,
cute, confident server I am today. Skinnier too!" (Stay tuned for hilarious
excerpts and continuations of this story and ones just like it!)



My "New Girl" experience was not solely about getting ravaged by the male staff but getting broken down by the vultures otherwise known as my co-workers. It is not that bad at work anymore. It used to be brutal. It now just sucks. It's ok "New Girl". You will be accepted one day. You will help the right person and be welcomed into the circle. Or, you'll be weakened and you'll quit...

Welcome Internets!

"Hi Folks! How are you today? My name is Unhappy Waitress and i'll be taking care of you today! Can I start you off with something to drink while you take a look at the menu?"

Thats how it always starts. The next part can be one of many answers! Here are some of the responses I get: (we'll start off nice)

"I'm good, how are you? I'll have diet no lemon and we're ready to order."
"Sure, I'll have water"
"Can we have a few minutes?"
"Is refills free?"
and my personal favorite
"Is water free?"

I'm a waitress! An unhappy one. I enjoy serving actually. And I've seen the movie Waiting and have NEVER seen stuff like that done in my restaurant career. I however do not enjoy ignorant guests who think they're the purpose for my existenence; or snippy co-workers who can't keep their business (or anyone else's for that matter) to themselves; or management who doesn't care about their staff. The things I am going to divulge to you unsuspecting restaurant-goers are probably not going to shock and amaze you but i'm sure that you will be entertained.

I work in a chain restaurant. We have good food and a good price and our service is mediocre. We have no genre. A little of everything. Most of our food is considered "healthy" compared to most chain restaurants and thats gross 'cause it's all soooo bad for you. But besides the normal "healthy" serving of your favorite dish, i'm ready to serve you your "healthy" dish about your not so normal server....



****this blog is BASED on true events and happenings. Names have been changed. Along with dates and other incriminating info!!!